Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
