you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
