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I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
