I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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