if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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