Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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