I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
