Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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