You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
