bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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