You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
