he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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