im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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