So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
