if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
