i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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