pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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