I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
