A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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