i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
