I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
