: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
