I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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