Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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