How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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