My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
