I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
