she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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