Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
