i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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