i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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