I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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