Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
