Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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