McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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