just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
vagina is talking i cant
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
