you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
