is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
