FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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