I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
