Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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