You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
