Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize