we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
