I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
