Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
