I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
