you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize