Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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