Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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