yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
