Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This baby is an asshole
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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