if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
