If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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