If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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