Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
